Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyRYLI
I know these are very personal questions I'm about to ask, but I really have a need to do so.
How long have you been divorced? How old are your children? Was is difficult to start on your own? Did you make that dreaded decision? Was it mutual? I'm going through a rough patch, and don't know which road to take. I'm really scared since I really have no degree or experience on anything to fall back on, I'm only 26, and have two small children, one is three and the other is one. They are I think my biggest fear, I really don't want to hurt them, I feel like I would be taking their father away from them, and I also feel like I would loose half of them, since their time would basically have to split between both parents.
I just all seems so difficult and I feel like I just wont be able to handle everything by myself, I know I have my family, but they also have their own lives so I can't just drop everything on them. I was to prepare myself, and be ready for whatever the outcome is.
P.S.
Congrats on taking such a big plunge!! I know you will do great!! Keep us all posted!!
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No, I don't mind sharing. STBX and I dated for 7 years b4 getting engaged. In that time we had both long distance and not so long distance relationship (lived 5 min away). We didn't live together until after our marriage. 5 mos before the wedding - we were engaged for 14 months already, I found out I was pg due in Sept. We were married June '06. THe last 2 mos of pg was difficult - I was having seizure type episodes, so I needed to be monitored 24/7 - he dropped me off at my parents when I wasn't in the hospital. DD was delivered C section 17 days early in the hopes of the episodes ceasing - they did but I may have a thyroid issue which may have contributed to it.
DD, now 17 mos, was only 5 weeks old when STBX stopped coming home, never giving me an answer as to where he was. He would tell me over and over how he hated his life, etc. Around Xmas '06 I was a bit suscipicous about an affair but I refused to believe it was true; I was also laid off and he swore (still does) that I negotiated to be laid off on purpose. (I didn't). Things got worse - he worked late not coming home until 11pm most nights so DD and I were alone; I spent my bday with DD and my parents since he was "working" It was on my bday when I found some receipts to restaurants showing me he was lying. Our house also went up for sale at this time. Thankfully it sold quickly - he was moving w/ his parents me and DD with mine since he said that we couldn't afford anything else (yet he would spend $800 at a clip on clothes for himself at Banana Republic). He was also getting lots of phone calls from a woman who worked for him; I figured it out but didn'[t let on. On March 4 he never came home until the next morning. That was my breaking point. I called my parents crying for help and met with an attorney 1 1/2 weeks later - didn't sign anything a month later - 2 days after we moved out of the house. He denied dating his employee (wouldn't admit it until this past Dec). and has brought DD around her which I hate. In late June I found out I was 21 wks pg - he denied DS was his and we eventually had to get a paternity test (guess who's daddy?).
Was it hard? Yes. Do I question my decision? All the time but I would not allow my DD to grow up seeing that a woman can be verbally abused and treated w/ no respect and that DS would grow up seeing that as acceptible behavior to treat a woman and cheat on them as well. Also I now see how much I have been lied to. He has 8 credit cards in his name that I never knew about - god only knows what his debt is!
He was barely involved in DD's life for the first 7 mos; he is quite phony saying that he cherishes his time with them as his mom is the one who takes care of them - he naps with DD. Pretty much ignores DS even though he now has visitation of him as well - doesn't take him out.
My DD has nightmares when she returns from visits w/ him, esp an overnight. She is afraid of the doorbell and hides behind the dining room table when she know he is getting her (she is excited to see her grandma though). THe courts say it is bc she is jealous of the new baby
but the dr. and I disagree esp since this started prior to DS birth. Oh DS is 4 mos.
I do hate splitting the time but it is obvious to me when DD comes home that she is glad to be back; she basically takes her coat off and walks away from them - I have to get her to say goodnight. She doesn't ask for them either. Children are smart - they know who loves them and treats them well and can see through the lies easily. I make sure that even though neither one of them understand, I don't talk about him in their presence.
I just turned 28 and yes, this was a quick marriage - we didn't even make it to our 1st anniversary. He is now only beginning to realize what he's done, saying he's a fool, etc. but he also wants me to forgive and forget. I can't do that; he hasn't shown me that he's changed, just good with words.
Our divorce should be final Mar 6. It probably would have been done in Dec but it was delayed due to the birth of my son the paternity issues.
As far as hurting the kids, he threw (throws) that in my face all the time - today in fact but I think I would be hurting them more if I was still living in the situation I was - I was depressed, alone, always walking on eggshells and afraid. I had no self confidence except in raising DD and even that he tried to take away. He told me that I needed lipo when I was only 4 wks postpartum. Now I've had 2 kids and am almost to my 1st prepg weight (I've joined WW) but I want to do more for myself and the kids.
Wow. There is my life in a nutshell. I have to work but I don't want my kids in daycare and I prefer to teach them as much as I can. So that is why I am starting this business; I will also be doing invitation design and event planning too (mostly invite design) - not sure if I will use the same name or not, probably not.
It has been a long, difficult, and painful journey - I've gone thru the grieving stages. The road ahead will be difficult but much more rewarding and happy!
I wish you the best in your decision and I'm here.
02-20-2008, 11:34
I'm taking the plunge!
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